My first day as a planner was memorable. Deep in the bowels of the old G-2 shack at Fort Campbell, we settled into our seats in the SCIF for an introductory “pep talk” from the division chief of staff, then-Colonel Mike Oates. He surveyed the group intently and said simply, “Who are my new SAMS guys?” A couple of us looked at one another, waiting to see who would be the first to speak.
I stood up and responded, “Right here, sir.” Famous last words.
Without missing a beat, his eyes lasered in on me and he delivered a verbal throat punch that I would feel for years to come: “Look here, Clausewitz, I don't want to hear about any of that shit you learned last year. You don't need to convince them how smart you are, you don’t need to convince me, and you sure as hell don’t need to convince the CG. If you just shut up and do your job, we'll all get along fine.”
Alrighty then. This was going to be an interesting year.
As I soon learned, I was following the quintessential Blue Falcon in my position, someone known for spotlighting during briefings with the commanding general, purposely “tanking” planning sessions at the eleventh hour, and generally creating a lot of extra work in an already overworked plans staff. There are unwritten rules that guide the actions of the planners. He broke all of them.
Over the course of the next twelve months, I would come to learn each of those rules, to appreciate how important they were to the synergy and camaraderie needed among a very small group of very high-performing individuals. When you tend to spend your days (and nights) in dimly-lit rooms that reek of stale fast food and body odor, you need more than trust and a dark sense of humor. You need inviolable rules. And like the tablets Moses carried down from Mount Sinai, the Ten Commandments of the Plans Staff are sacrosanct.
There are processes that drive planning, principles that govern how we fight, and commandments for planners. These are our Ten Commandments.
1. Thou shalt not quote Clausewitz, Jomini, Sun Tzu, or that dude who sat next to you in SAMS. Nothing kills planning momentum quite like a quote from a dead Prussian. You might think it makes you look more intelligent, more insightful, or even well-read than your counterparts. It doesn't. It makes you look like a dumbass. It makes others want to throat punch you. Save the brilliant quotes for your Facebook page.
2. Thou shalt not describe a course of action as a “throwaway” in the presence of the commanding general. Creating “throwaway” courses of action is a monumental waste of time. Briefing one to the commanding general tells him (or her) that you don't value their time, either. Save yourself an uncomfortable and potentially catastrophic career moment and abstain from associating yourself or anyone else with a throwaway course of action.
3. Thou shalt not deliberately skip steps in the Military Decision Making Process, unless no one is paying attention. Unless you're a Jedi Knight, try to avoid skipping steps during any planning process. Processes exist for a reason, and no matter how painful they might be, it’s always a good idea to follow them through to their logical conclusion. There’s nothing worse than realizing at the eleventh hour that you really did need to wargame those courses of action before you briefed them to the commanding general.
4. Thou shalt not describe the battle staff as “intellectually challenged”. I get it, the battle staff is hard to deal with. They don't function at the same level as the planners and some of them are just plain slow. But here’s the rub: you need them. They do a lot of work for you that you really don't want to do yourself. If you think life sucks now, find out what it’s like if it’s just you and a couple of slide monkeys.
5. Thou shalt not refer to Air Defense Artillery as “recreational bug zappers”. Never mind, you can do this all you want. Nobody really cares, least of all the Air Defenders.
6. Thou shalt not consume Cheetos while building briefing slides in PowerPoint. Nothing gums up a printer faster than coffee, tobacco, and stale junk food. I know, it’s past midnight and you're in the midst of the battle staff version of the Mogadishu Mile. But you're tired, you're not firing on all cylinders. All it takes is greasy Cheetos fingerprints on a printer cartridge and you're going to be using flashcards to brief the commanding general. Remember, the sign in the SCIF says “No Food or Drink Allowed” for a reason.
7. Thou shalt not Blue Falcon the other planners by disappearing in the first thirty minutes of wargaming. Don’t even think about it. That stunt will follow you for years to come. I have friends who still talk about the Blue Falcons who disappeared during planning, leaving others to do the heavy mental lifting. And you know that the day will come when the Blue Falcons come crashing to ground in a pile of bloody feathers.
8. Thou shalt not name objectives after 80s porn stars, John Hughes movies, or characters from “Stripes”. A little insidious creativity goes long way during planning. And you can always sneak in a few fun details where only a select few are “in the know.” Always remember that discretion is the better part of valor. Your brilliant plan with all its clever idiosyncrasies could put you in a world of hurt from which you will never escape.
9. Thou shalt not compose the concept of the operation as a limerick. This is harder than you think, and a lot more fun than most people realize. No one will ever notice, but it takes a lot of time and some jackass will inevitably want to edit your English. So save that time to expend coming up with names for objective, routes, and other features of interest.
10. Thou shalt refer to rehearsals as “teaching ferrets to yodel.” When the smoke clears, the pizza boxes are cleared away, and the Cheetos cleaned out of the laser printer, all that’s left is the rehearsal. There is no better way to describe the rehearsal process than “teaching ferrets to yodel.” Let’s just leave it at that.
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