Life happens. It sounds cliché, but few phrases better describe military life. Those lives are a cacophony of jobs, children, homes, moves, and, of course, deployments. Through it all, our spouses are often left to find the symphony within the discord, to bring some semblance of order to the chaos.
Angie Ricketts’ book No Man’s War: Irreverent Confessions of an Infantry Wife is the story of one family, a brilliantly-told tragi-comedy that tears away the façade of life to reveal the perfectly flawed human beings we all recognize in ourselves. Within the pages of No Man’s War, Angie Ricketts invites the world into her home, her life. She lays bare the myths that surround most military families. She shares her fear, her joy, her love, her loss. She reminds us all that life really is a symphony.
This is the music of life in all its glory.
Tell us about yourself. Who is Angie Ricketts? I’m an Army Wife. Funny, that’s the first thing that comes to mind when asked that question. I’m also a mother to three, a daughter and a friend. Most recently I am the author of a memoir called No Man’s War. I have a masters degree in Human Relations, but found out I was pregnant with the first of our children the day I graduated. Becoming an author is my first paid job since 1997. If you decide to play the game, being an Army Wife can be a job in and of itself — especially in the post 9/11 OpTempo. I just asked my nine year-old who Angie Ricketts is and she said, “Look in the mirror, Mommy. You know who you are.” She’s right. I may have forgotten once in a while, but for the most part I’ve always known who I am.
But those things are mostly external parts of who I am, though there is meaning behind each of those hats. Someone recently told me I was the Army Wife version of Doctrine Man, and I found that pretty funny. And dead on. I’m a master of snark and irreverence. I also never make lasagna for guests because it’s too cliché. Sometimes I forget my zip code at the gas pump. I never shop with a grocery list because I like to live on the edge. I’m a housewife who flirts with ninja ways in the only ways I can. So there ya go.
What made you decide to write the book? I had a heart attack when my husband was in Afghanistan on a one-year deployment with 101st in 2010. I was in perfect health and had no risk factors — it hit out of the blue. I’ve been an avid journaler since I was a teenager, so in my recovery I started reading my journals and finally grasped the scope of what military families have endured with deployment after deployment. Also, of course, there were many times over the years when I thought “you just can’t make this crap up.” I wrote all that craziness down over the years.
There are some who have referred to your book as “The Roar of the Dependapotamus.” How you respond to that? Well, first of all, I had to look Dependapotamus up in Urban Dictionary. I thought it was a fat joke at first. I prefer the Helen Reddy version of the roar, you know, “I am woman hear me roar.” Is Dependapotamus (dammit that’s hard to spell) a term of endearment?
What makes you “tick”? For weeks I have been trying to figure out how to answer this question. It feels like a trick. Do any of us know what makes us tick? Isn’t that what life is all about? I’m still figuring it out. One thing I’ve figured out is my friendships. They keep my clock wound nice and tight.
How have you adjusted to your critics? Of course criticism and some pushback is inevitable. I really haven’t had too many — at least not as many as I was mentally prepared for. This spring after the book was in the can and at print, I worried I might have to grow a beard and move to Poland after its release. So I’m relieved that has not happened. The first few nasty remarks stung but then after that I toughened up. Opinions are like fourth points of contact. Everyone has one. The thoughtful, intelligent criticisms I definitely take to heart and respect. But the nasty little retorts are pretty much easy to dismiss. I especially love it when the nasty remarks are full of spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. Those make me do a little jig.
What is a “Perfumed Turd”? It’s a term of endearment I coined for Senior Spouses — including myself. I’m definitely a PT, all the way. We’ve come through the wicked shit and still smell like Chanel No°5. It’s not meant as an insult, though some way-too-serious folks have taken it that way. Lighten up, Frances. Gotta be able to poke fun at ourselves. I far prefer it to Senior Spouse — which sounds old and frumpy. Perfumed Turds are survivors.
Describe your greatest challenge in writing the book. There were a few huge name editors who thought the country wasn’t ready to hear this story. That bothered me. Somehow I guess they were worried that the country could only swallow the glittery image of what the secondary effects of war have had on our military culture.
After the book found a highly respected publishing house and top-notch editor, I had ninety days to finish writing it. That was daunting as hell. I’m a stay at home mom so then my greatest challenge became being able to focus on writing at home with the kids and housewifery responsibilities. Hunts for lost cleats and refereeing sibling squabbles that exploded with accusations at whomever ate the last cookie took precedence over writing. I just asked my husband this question and without a second of hesitation he answered, “Lack of discipline.” Haha. He’s right. I’m the master of procrastination. It’s hard to force creativity, so I guess I’m sort of an artistic diva in that sense — which is just a diversionary tactic. I procrastinate. But I work well under pressure.
In the book, you refer to most others in the form of aliases. Knowing that the Army is a very small place, are you concerned that their real names will eventually come out? A few folks have seen themselves in characters that weren’t even based on them. But it’s not hard to figure out who I’m referring to in certain cases, also because I did not change every single name. I’m not concerned. I’ve actually been very validated by many folks in our little Army world who have reached out to me and said I described folks and events to a T. I did try to give a 360 degree view of my characters — and that includes myself. We are all flawed, and that’s human nature. People who present themselves as perfect aren’t fooling anyone. There’s nothing wrong with imperfection and mistakes. I’ve made plenty.
In the book, you mention that your husband ends phone calls with you with the term “out.” You do know this isn’t normal, right? It isn’t normal? And what’s normal mean anyway? Normal is arbitrary. His usage of “out” instead of goodbye has gradually become endearing. If he ever said buh-bye instead of out, I would know for sure aliens had kidnapped him.
What has been your proudest moment as an Army spouse? Having this book published and well received. Duh.
What has been your greatest challenge as an Army spouse? Balancing my own identity with my husband’s identity as a Soldier. It’s very easy in this world to forget yourself and get caught up in the “command team” rhetoric. The gradual realization that the Army sisterhood is the meaning under the Army rhetoric gave me a lot of perspective. That sisterhood sometimes operates like a wolf pack; we turn on our own but we also fight for each other to the bitter end. I’ve never experienced anything like it, and I wouldn’t have made it all these years without the sisterhood — despite the fact that some have challenged my very definition of that word.
How has your family adjusted to the book? Any special moments you want to share? My family couldn’t be prouder. The reaction I fretted the most over was my husband’s. He didn’t read it until just days before it went to print — partly because I procrastinated giving it to him to read. This book is like my diary and I worried that he would be angry at how much of our lives I exposed. Or baffled by the feelings I kept from him to protect both of us throughout the white-knuckled deployment years. But he loved it and only asked me to make a few minor edits. He’s been firm that this book belongs to me, and he would have written much of it differently, but that he respects my voice and that I earned the right to tell the story the way I saw it. An unexpected gift from the book is the closeness it created between the two of us. As for our kids (see how I wrote “our” instead of “my”) they are all brimming with pride. For sixteen years I was a stay at home mom, which I wouldn’t trade for anything, but they think it’s pretty cool that their mom is now a published author.
As a victim of assault yourself, do you believe the Army is doing enough to combat sexual assault and sexual harassment? Hmm. As a civilian, that’s a little out of my lane. But I will say that the roughest part about enduring something like that as a woman is the social stigma that comes along with reporting that it happened. That’s the part of our culture we need to work on. Keeping the blame, even if subtly implied, from the victim. I’m still uncomfortable discussing the horrible event I kept from everyone for fifteen years. Lots of embarrassment, even after all this time.
You hate the term “Household 6.” Why? Because it’s patronizing and usually said with a smirk. I have friends who don’t mind that term, but I think I’d be more okay with Bitch 6 than Household 6.
Who do you admire most and why? Christiane Amanpour (truth seeker, disinterested in spin, fearless). John O’Donohue (Irish poet and philosopher, lyrical genius). I admire anyone who knows who they are and isn’t afraid of taking risks. And of course my family. I admire my husband for his relentless determination and eternally happy disposition, also because he drives a Prius and wears Crocs sometimes, because both are practical choices. He doesn’t have a thing to prove to anyone but himself. That’s my definition of badass.
What makes you laugh? Cry? I don’t often cry, but last week my husband hosted a book launch party for me and made a toast that brought actual tears to my usually tearless eyes. Absurdity makes me laugh. And funny stuff on YouTube that my kids find, like the Old Gregg video (Google it, you’ll see). I have a dark sense of humor. Imagine that. Memes also make me laugh. I freaking love memes.
Tell us about the last book you read. Soldier Girls by Helen Thorpe. It’s a wonderfully insightful nonfiction book about three female Soldiers of the Indiana National Guard and their journey as ammunitions workers through deployments and readjustment into the “real world.” I found the book fascinating because it was an element of the military I was completely unfamiliar with and yet the emotions were strikingly similar. The author lives in Denver and we’ve become friends. At one of her events recently I felt like I could finish her sentences because our books have so many parallels.
iPad, Kindle, or old-fashioned book? Old-fashioned book. Absolutely. No question.
You’re going to be stranded on a desert island and can only take four items. What would they be? I suppose you’re looking for the PG version. And this question also feels like a trick. I would take my iPhone, but then I would run around looking for a signal that probably doesn’t exist and then the battery would run out because a charger wouldn’t have been one of the four items. I would also take a two-pound bag of M&Ms, but those would also run out and then I’d be screwed. So I guess I will answer this question practically. 1. Pillow 2. Blanket 3. Bug Spray 4. Toilet paper. Also, if you’ve read my book you will know that I would be the first one slaughtered and cannibalized in a group of survivalists.
What’s next for you? For now I’m seeing where this book takes me and trying to enjoy the moment, and then I will hopefully start another book. I’m actually already thinking about the next book — but it’s only in the percolation stage.
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